Thoughts on ghostkin
TW: slight vent, mentions of depression and derealization
I think I’m a a ghost. Well, at least I was. Not exactly a ghost with a blanket, like the one in this aesthetic here, but it’s a kind of imagery I really like. I used to be nonphysical, unreal. Having a body feels weird at times, maybe that’s part of why I ended up identifying as transgender. Not that I don’t like it here, it’s just that sometimes I feel out of place existing as a person, a living being.
But, if I was a ghost, I was alive before. I remember that because I “remember” dying. Not exactly remember… it’s some kind of feeling. It’s something I could never explain to me, the attraction for tragedy and sad endings. I think maybe that was part of my past(-past?) life.
To be honest, the main reasons behind this kintype are probably psychological.
This is maybe the oldest kintype I can remember being connected to. I think the earliest signs I had where in primary school, watching the fifth season of Ninjago. That’s actually how Cole became my favorite ninja at first, I really loved the idea of him being a ghost, walking through things, becoming invisible. I even started seeing myself in him, during middle school, as a way to cope with feeling “invisible”. That’s also when I started feeling progressively more lonely, even if I still had friends at the time (I do now too, but for a long time I was pretty lonely). Covid really fucked up with a lot people’s social skills and I too felt that strongly at the beginning of my teens.
And it just make sense that this kind of feelings came back stronger in 2022 when I was struggling with depression and derealization. I would go very unnoticed at school and didn’t want to be seen at home. I think at some point I started thinking of myself as if I was already dead. Now I don’t get that feeling anymore, I’m healing and I’ve learnt to appreciate this life. But I suppose that’s why this is my main kintype…
Anyway it was nice to find out about the otherkin community. It’s always nice to find the words to explain how you feel. I think for me being otherkin is an easier way to analize these emotions and understand this part of who I am.
Damn, it’s hard to write, I should practice more often.